Kids clothes seem to fall into two categories: the absolutely insane, or the most boring things ever. Do you know what an example of the former is? Two kids. In. A Trench coat. That’s right, the classic gag wherein one kid sits on another kid’s shoulders, and then they don a floor-length trench coat in an attempt to pretend they are an adult, will always be one of the all-time great outfits for a child (or, in this care, children). The classic reason to wear this outfit is, of course, to sneak into a rated-R movie, which may resonate less with generation Z — your Hollywood movies have way fewer exploitative boobs/men’s asses in them. Plus, you have the internet. But my generation and every generation beforehand were so desperate to see naked women that we came up with this scheme just to get a glimpse of that sweet, sweet flesh (sidebar: imagine sitting behind two kids in a trench coat in a movie theater. Hell.) Of course, now that it’s easy for anybody to get a glimpse of a naked person, be they male, female, or non-comforming, why would two kids ever get stacked up in a trench coat? Folks, worry not, for I have some other things you damn kids could sneak into…
A voting booth
You may be thinking «Will, the absolutely insane case of a woman being sentenced to five years in jail for voting when she legally couldn’t shows that no one should ever vote when they’re not supposed to!» Ah, my friend you are mistaken — this would be true for an adult, but we’re talking about kids here! Even in Texas, those kids would have to do something like murder a couple of people to go to jail.
The NFL draft combine
Do I really believe two kids in a trenchcoat would actually manage to accomplish much by participating in the NFL draft combine? No. In fact, having to keep the trenchcoat on might kick up some real logistical problems. However, all of that would be worth it just to see the reaction when, after finally getting totally exhausted, one or both of the kids collapses, and the trenchcoated man on the field seemingly splits in two!!!
A Roller coaster
Look, I never said that none of these places you’re trenchcoat-scamming your way into won’t lead to anybody’s death. If you sit on someone’s shoulders and then go on a roller coaster, guaranteed the kid on top is going flying off within three big drops. But before that kid flies off, he will have an unmatched roller coaster experience, and the kid on the bottom will also be able to brag to his friends about having already been on a roller coaster.
World’s tallest man competition
How much vetting does Guinness actually do for these records? Well, submitting yourself(selves) as the tallest man in the world would be a good way to find out.
Wow! Remember those two-kids-in-a-trench-coat? They’re all grown up now and this is what they look like. pic.twitter.com/eJZYj9uZbP
— Nate Fernald (@natefernald) July 21, 2017
Let’s not lie to ourselves here; two kids in a trenchcoat is a very, very rare thing to see, for both logistical and athletic reasons. Most kids do not have the upper body and/or core strength to make this thing work, and that’s contingent on them being able to find a big enough trench coat to fit two kids. So, if you manage to pull this off, guess what? I will cherish you forever.
You know what I’d like to see in addition to two kids in a trench coat? One adult in two sets of kid’s clothes.
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