Yesterday, I had a lovely lunch with my family — salad, sandwiches, chips, and salsa. Simple. But upon trying the salsa, my grandmother winced and said, «This is so spicy!» It was mild. Look, we’re not here to judge. Regardless of your spicy-food tolerance, whether it be mild salsa or that ultra hot Korean ramen, here are the six steps you go through eating spicy food:
1. The Inquisition
Can I have some hot sauce for my macrobiotic bowl? (That was me last night at Cafe Gratitude after telling the server I did NOT want to hear the question of the day.) Can you give me the red sauce and no green sauce for the plate of King Tacos tacos I ordered? It all starts with a simple, innocent, ill-fated question.
2. The Laugh
«It’s spicy,» they warn. It could be an employee, a friend, the little voice inside your head who won’t stop singing «Despacito» even though they don’t know any Spanish. But you laugh their warnings away, because they, the person with actual experience with said «spicy» thing, are surely wrong and you, the one who’s never tried it, know better.
3. The Bite
Blissfully ignorant, you take a huge bite out of *insert spicy thing here unless you can’t handle mildly spicy food like brown mustard and your idea of spicy is…I don’t know a cashew?* Because those of us who ignored the «it’s spicy» warning can’t show fear, we must prove we can handle the spice by taking a huge initial bite. That’s always been a good idea.
4. The Delayed Reaction
«It’s not that sp–«
5. The Water Crisis
«–ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh.» Spicy food is sneaky like that. It doesn’t hit you ‘til a moment later, or even better, it doesn’t hit you until you’ve gone in for a second whopping bite. Then it’s all over. Mad Max: Fury Road up in this Hot Cheetos factory. (Is there a Hot Cheetos factory? Can you take me?)
6. The Morning After
Count your lucky stars if you can stay home that day or your school/office has a private bathroom. Somehow, we always end up at a festival the day after a dalliance with the devil that is spiciness. And you know what that means.
How’s your love/hate affair going with spicy food? What’s the spiciest food you’ve eaten as of late? Let me know on Twitter @AndiHester!
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