I recently read an article about Pokemon starting a sexual awakening and, well…. I’m here to tell you that I lived it. I’m a Pokemon trainer, but I don’t battle — I just try to make friends with them — kind of like Ash and his Pikachu, except more of a thing. If that’s weird, let me remind you that sexuality is a spectrum and this has yet to be outlawed in Jhoto or Kanto, so leave your hang-ups at the door. Here are the Pokemon I «caught», and why they didn’t work out.
I met Machoke in a cave and thought he was really hot, but looking back, that might have just been the lighting. I don’t know what I was thinking, honestly. I was in a weird spot and was trying to piss off my parents. I ended it when he asked me to say «Machoke me, daddy».
I met Lo in Castelia city. We hit it off. She was sweet… and kind… and fun-loving. It was like dating a sexy cheerleader. We decided to end it mutually. I’m over it. Totally over it. Like, it’s fine. Don’t bother asking. It’s fine. Totally fine. I’m fine.
Ditto was great one-on-one, but anytime we were around anyone else, he would change. Ditto was like a line from an Avril Lavigne song — why you gotta go make things so complicated, Ditto? See the way you act around somebody else getting me frustrated.
Tentacruel was REALLY into weird stuff. Just… those giant tentacles… Actually, I don’t want to talk about it.
When I first met Mewtwo, he seemed smart, but then he started talking about how certain Pokemon were «genetically inferior» to him and started throwing around the word «eugenics». I figured I better not call him back.
Okay, I don’t know if this should really be included because, at the end of the day, I’m not sure if it was a Pokemon or just some weird guy in a costume. Maybe it was a Digimon. Who knows?
God, Magikarp. We dated for like three years and it was wonderful. You were attentive, easy, and didn’t have anything to prove… until you started to change. Then you became an unbridled jerk, freaking out over every little thing. I liked you when you would splash, not thrash.
I invited Flareon to dinner and a movie. Unfortunately, she took two hours to do her hair before going out. I just kept asking when she was ready. «Flareon,» she would reply. We missed the movie, but I did hear she has a couple of cute sisters.
HE LITERALLY GHOSTED ME! We only hung out one night. That tongue though.
Jigglypuff was a classic bad date. She said she was a singer but was so boring. I literally fell asleep when she started talking.
I met him at a frat in college. Looking back, I should have known better. Not only was he a bro, but he was also slow. That’s, like, an oxymoron.
Okay, so this one I’m not proud of. I met him at a club and I liked the diamonds in his eyes. I thought he had money. I was horribly wrong. I think he was a junkie. Just look at his creepy smile.
This Pokémon is a goddess! She was bursting with power, energy… and chakra. Truth be told, I never really dated her; it was more like I stalked her from afar. I excitedly told her I was really into Naruto, and now she won’t text me back.
We dated for about two months. The problem is, it’s just too hard to date someone with a kid. And she had to bring him everywhere. And the baby would just keep whispering «You’re not my real Dad».
I really liked her. Then on a whim… I googled her. DON’T GOOGLE HER, TRUST ME.
Do you have a similar story with any Pokémon from your past? Let us know on Twitter @Smosh!
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