I love tea. My mom is Chinese and I grew up hearing the many benefits of drinking tea. And even though we maybe should’ve, we did not drink coffee. The first time I had coffee my Chinese genes rejected it and I fell asleep. But lately I’ve been dibbling and dabbling in this whole coffee thing, and frankly I don’t get it. All the words, all the creams, all the steams. Here is my take on all the different coffees as someone who loves tea but realizes it’s not cool to drink tea.

1. Espresso

Unlike tea drinkers who like settling down to a big warm mug of chamomile, apparently coffee drinkers want to pay $4 for a sippy cup’s worth of caffeine. Is it for the convenience? Or is it coffee drinkers’ strange Napoleon Complex-derived need to feel like a giant holding a regular sized cup?

2. Cappuccino

With tea, we keep it simple — if we’re going to add milk, we pour it in, stir stir stir and call it a day. Coffee drinkers like to make it complicated. They have a thing called a cappuccino where the milk is steamed and a clump of foam sits atop the coffee like a dictator. Yeah. Like a dictator. Coffee drinkers believe in dictatorship. Did someone say Napoleon?

3. Macchiato

A macchiato is an espresso (aka sippy cup) plus steamed milk on top. So just a slightly different thing from the cappuccino. Because coffee drinkers like to be confusing. Like Napoleon’s Wikipedia entry that I’m trying to quickly read and draw connections to.

4. Cold Brew

A post shared by Cold Brew Boyz (@coldbrewboyz) on Mar 12, 2018 at 3:34pm PDT

Cold brew is the coffee world’s attempt to get in on that sweet sweet iced tea life. Ha, nice try, copycats. Copycats, just like Napoleon ice cream. Yes, the connections are strong. Did someone say, «It’s Neapolitan, you dumb tea lover»? No, I didn’t think so.

5. Flat White

No, «flat white» isn’t a description of a butt. It’s a type of coffee. If they’re not trying to distract and confuse us with their strange foreign names for things, coffee-drinkers using butt-shaming terms that I for one do not appreciate! So what if my butt is flat and white?! Anyway, this is a kind of coffee that’s like a ton of steamed milk and some espresso. Speaking of a ton, there’s a guy with the name Wellington in the Wikipedia article on Napoleon. You know what that means.

6. Affogato


Apparently just saying «ice cream with coffee» is too much to ask, so those snooty-tooty, dictator-worshipping, Napoleon-loving coffee drinkers use the word «affogato». No domo-affogato Mr. Roboto. That’s a fun play on words I created based off the song by Styx, whose founder Dennis DeYoung made a stage musical based on The Hunchback of Notre Dame, a French novel. Boom.

Well there’s a tea lover’s take on coffee, full of cold, hard facts. What else is cold and hard? The Eiffel Tower in the winter! The signs are obvious. C’mon. Anyway, tweet-tweet me on Twitter @AndiHester!

Andi Hester
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