Relationships are hard, but they’d be a lot easier if we were all cartoons. Why would that be the case? Who cares, just let me have this. Now don’t worry, I’m not going to give you advice or anything. No, I’m just here to couple up some ’90s cartoon characters. Oh baby, let’s get horny!

Dexter, Dexter’s Laboratory & Pinky, Pinky & The Brain

dexter and pinky

I understand that Dexter’s relationship with his own upbeat idiot of a sister could be most generously described as «contentious», but I think Pinky would be good for him because they don’t work together. Dee Dee being Dexter’s lab assistant complicates what could otherwise be a dynamic that would ease the constant stress Dexter puts on himself. And since his relationship with Pinky would be strictly romantic, I think his boundless energy and enthusiasm would be both a relief and empowering for Dexter.

Patty Mayonnaise, Doug & Goliath, Gargoyles

goliath and patty mayonnaise

First of all, Goliath needs to get *clapping emoji* over *clapping emoji* Elisa *clapping emoji*! He also is a guy who puts a lot of pressure on himself, and Patty is both easy going but also not afraid to fight for her own emotional needs, so Goliath won’t dominate the emotional energy of the relationship. Plus, with Patty being a person of color and Goliath being a supernatural creature, they’ll have something of a shared experience when it comes to living in a society with built in prejudices. Oh, and Patty doesn’t seem the type to let someone smash (literally, not in a sex way) her intimate partner while he’s turned to stone every day.

Stimpy, Ren & Stimpy & Rocko, Rocko’s Modern Life

stimpy and rocko

Stimpy and Rocko are a bit of a change from my previous pairings, in that neither one of them are super high maintenance. Stimpy is prone to causing problems though, so it seems right to have him date someone like Rocko, who is good at solving problems without being a jerk about it.

Didi Pickles, Rugrats & Chas Finster, Rugrats

didi and chaz know what they want

I’m sorry, but anyone who denies seeing the naked, powerful sexual energy between these two is fooling themselves. I know that, as a viewer of Rugrats, I was incredibly another that these two never had their obvious romantic subplot resolved before the show ended. What a crock.

Captain Planet, Captain Planet, & The Magic School Bus, The Magic School Bus

captain planet and the magic school bus

The Magic School bus seems like it’s at the very least somewhat sentient, which means it needs to get its rocks off every once in a while. If and if anybody can f*ck a bus, it’s Captain Planet.

This was an incredibly good use of my time.

Will Weldon
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