School, who needs it? Well, you need it, ya big moron. Other than being a place parents can shove kids so they’re not always in the way of adults, it can be possible to have a good time at school. But does that mean all school is necessary? No. In fact, some grades can absolutely get the hell out of here. And as the smartest person in the room (I took an extra three years to graduate, so I know my stuff REALLY well), I think I’m the most qualified to say which grades can go…


Fourth grade felt like a thing, y’know. It was the transition into school proper, with subjects that finally started to feel a complicated, and relationships that were forged in the fires of being forced to sit in the same room together all day for a few years prior. And six is special is special because you start getting the first hints that adulthood is on its way; someone starts to get boobs, someone else starts to absolutely stink after gym class. That’s very exciting (or, if you’re an enormous coward like me, absolutely terrifying). All fifth grade does is highlight the banality that is life. It’s just more of the same, progress so incremental that it may as well not be happening, as far as your brain is concerned. Let’s give kids a little more time before they figure out how boring life is by eliminating this hell-grade.


Preschool is just a social club for post-toddlers. Why the hell should MY TAXES (I’m actually on government assistance programs) pay for your kid to go hang out with a bunch of other dumb kids? Just do what the rest of us do when we have no money but want a place to hang out, and steal valor so you can join some sort of veteran’s hall.


I spent every day of eleventh grade longing to be in twelfth grade, so that I would be in my last year before I could get the hell out of that dump (I actually went to a pretty nice high school, but I like the drama of calling a place «a dump»). I went to a high school that was 10-12, so at least there was a bit of the novelty about being in high school left over; if you started high school in 9th grade, that’s ALL gone. Is there even a single thing about eleventh grade to enjoy without that? No. So get rid of it.


Eighth grade can kiss my ass. Maybe it’s because I went to a junior high school that was from seventh to ninth grade, but eight felt so… pointless. Seven had the excitement of a new thing (high school, but JUNIOR) while ninth grade was the end of not-high school. What is eight but some dumb placeholder? I don’t even remember a single thing I learned in eighth grade. Hell, I don’t even remember who my teacher was.

Twenty One


EDITOR’S NOTE: Will Weldon once belonged to a bizarre sect of Christianity that no longer exists; their religious schools went up to the 21st grade and taught mostly ancient Latin curses and hexes. No one tell him this is not typical.

Everything I needed to know I learned on THE STREETS (my teachers made me move my desk outside onto the sidewalk because I was so poorly behaved).

Will Weldon
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